James's personal story
Well I met my ex-wife in 1995 while studying at TAFE. In the beginning, everything was lovely, however what became apparent is that we would argue like clockwork every three months about anything and everything. With J always winning the argument and demanding an apology with flowers.
Between 1995 to 2000, I was studying accounting at TAFE. Unfortunately my grades were not that great and I was being pressured by J to get a job. So I was offered a position at a tyre store to which J was watching the conversation and interrupted by saying that I'll take the job before I did. Now at this point it is important to note that J came from a well-off family and mine not so. What this meant for me was that J was used to the finer things and wanted it all now: a house, a flash car; go out to dinner every week, etc.
So I was pressured into doing better at work to get more money, so I climbed the ladder from tyre fitter, to wheel aligner, to sales, to assistant manager, manager and finally buying our own franchise. Obviously, that was not good enough for J so she went and had a talk with her parents about a house.
J and I married in 2000 we moved into the new house in 2001, during this time things started to happen...
I had to do all the cleaning chores i.e.: washing, mopping, dishes, dusting, plus all the outside chores, and anything else J wanted.
I was never asked to do these chores I was told to do them.
From the day we met until we divorced, J systematically removed me from my friends, they became her friends, and ended my friendships with these people.
Because I didn't socialise anymore I was expected to keep house, no dirty dishes on the sink, rubbish bin was only able to get 3/4 full before I had to empty it, beds made, and I was only allowed to watch her shows on television and DVD. In addition, later when our daughter was born I was the live-in baby sitter whenever J wanted to take off at the drop of a hat.
I cannot remember exactly how all the other stuff happened so I will just list them:
J would put my underwear in my lunch bag in an attempt to humiliate me to my co-workers who might see them whilst I was getting my lunch. When arriving home she would make a song and dance about how my workmates saw my undies and whether I was embarrassed. J did this three times before she gave up.
Came home from work on a 40c+ day to find a tray of meat on the counter and that J demanded a bbq. So I went outside to light the wood-fired Weber barbeque then to cook the food, I was told not to come back until the meat was cooked so one hour later in 40c+ heat and no shade dinner was cooked.
Then there was little things, hide my smokes or ration them, constant put downs, where has all the money gone, etc.
J was good at withholding sex to the point the longest time was two months, so I would pleasure myself. J being who she was would humiliate me because of her withholding sex, “Have a good tug did ya, Bet that wasn’t as good as me! Argh you’re no bloody good anyway I’ve never had an orgasm from you anyway!”
Then towards the end of the marriage J started to do the provoke thing while in an argument: “Come on buddy boy just try it, go on hit me! The cops will be here so fast you won’t know what hit you. Then my Dad will get the lawyers onto you, and then you’ll be sorry!” Later when my daughter was born, J would like to add, “You’ll never, ever see my daughter again just you wait and see!”
I would like it noted that during this time I was no saint, I was having an affair with the mother of my first son before I got married.
Then in 2006 October, I had immense back pain to find out that I needed a triple spinal fusion on my lower back. Well in December of that year, I had my back operation and then in my life everything went pear shaped.
We were told to sell our franchise by the said tyre company, I had my first breakdown (suicide attempt, deep depression, burnout) in March of 2007 hospitalisation was required for a few days.
Of which J told doctors “I don’t want him home.” To which the reply was "he is on medication and has an appointment with a psychiatrist in two weeks." Well because I was at home since my operation J started her usual routine of "get up, do something, go and get a job. Depression... get over that, it’s in your head.” At this time, I was still taking morphine styled drugs for my back and J wanted me to go out and get a job. Therefore, with a suit and tie I attempted to go to an interview. The interviewer took one look at me and said, “I can see you are going through some tough times right now and I can tell that you are in no position to be here. So why did you come?” I told the truth my wife made me, to which the interviewer said get some help and be with your family.
In July of 2007 doctors diagnosed me with bipolar two again J was not having a bar of that. “Don’t forget to take your stupid pills you need to get better.” With a sarcastic tone.
To her credit, J was trying to run a business, which she had no idea about, and look after our daughter.
Well August 2007 rolled around and all the stress of wife, business, child, running a house and my own health finally got to me and I had a second breakdown (suicide attempt, breakdown).
J very pissed off packed the car, child and me and took me to the ER of our nearest hospital. Once I was taken to a secure room J asked doctors if I was ok with them. "Yes," was the response. J promptly left me at the hospital alone. It wasn’t until some time later that I found out from my parents that on the next day J had rung my parents to tell them “Come and get all of James stuff or I’ll throw it all out in the street.”
I spent the next five weeks in hospital trying to get better. J had started a campaign of text messages saying how I had stuffed the business up and how her dad was going to get the lawyers on me. We were texting like mad one night fighting about the business, my health, our daughter, separating that J obviously had had enough and actually called the hospital to ask them to take my mobile phone off me. Then a few days’ later J just rocks up with our daughter so I could see her and then asks the nurse if she can go and leave our daughter while she goes to the shops for an hour. Thankfully, the nurse was clued in what was happening and quite clearly stated that I was a patient and does not have the legal right to look after anyone in my care whilst being a patient. That really upset J that she had to sit there for an hour and watch me play with our daughter.
Wrapping up...
The business was sold and so was the house to pay for the outstanding debts.
J and I separated after my last visit to hospital, which led me to organize divorce paperwork. Divorced in April of 2009.
I have moved in with the mother of my first child and we are very happy together to the point that we are getting married in 2012.
I see my daughter every second week for seven days.
If it weren’t for my insistence to complete my counseling course, I would not have realized my own life being a victim of family abuse and violence.
It is truly amazing what the brain blocks out and represses memories for you to continue your day-to-day life.
Through my course to become a counselor I now know what area I want to get into and would welcome any chance to get involved counseling male victims.
Alone we suffer in silence, no-one knowing of our pain and heartache.
Together we stand as a crowd to show that male victims exist and that we need help too.