Colin's personal story

I first met my abuser when I was restoring my car, she was best friends to my sister. Overtime and with guidance from my mother saying I should take her out to buy her some new shoes we did start dating but she insisted on a chaperone which was quite often my sister and her boyfriend. We had only been dating a few weeks when my sister woke me up and said she didn't want to go out with me anymore because she was a rape victim and knew I would want more one day then a simple kiss on the cheek. I had the opportunity then to walk away and avoid the life changing nightmare I have now but I was young and full of empathy not knowing about rape or the effects of rape on someone.

We met up had a chat and resumed the relationship but I had to promise to keep the secret of prolonged rape as it was a family member and to make things worse her mother put her child into the situation of being raped with a known child abuser. Overtime at family functions I got to meet with the perpetrators the Uncle and Uncles brother then two brothers that were her mothers friend sons. There were others like a neighbour that she became friends with to watch football on TV. Instead of going to school she was quite often bunk off to be with friends drinking. She said to me that her friends in school would often talk about their boyfriends and kissing. My abuser would think "if only they knew I had done much more than that." My abuser said that when she stayed at her uncle's house which she eventually lived at she would often pretend to be asleep so the uncle would then turn to his daughter to perform sexual acts with his brother.

Although my abuser had been groomed to say nothing, I too was groomed to say nothing. My abuser would have secret meetings with her uncle while we were dating but I was told only watch him masturbate. She even started a sexual relationship with her uncle's daughter.

As she got older she began to understand that what she went through as a child was abnormal and wrong and I quite often said to her on a regular basis to tell her mother. What she didn't understand was that she was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome that we later discovered at a rape crisis centre here in Australia.

Drinking played a major part in my abuser's life starting off with cider then on to babycham onto flavoured alcoholic drinks then to spirits like vodka and the last the triple strength distilled vodka. I was never a drinker but my abuser soon taught me over the years as I unknowingly become the enabler.

I started to suffer from financial abuse as my abuser with no qualifications didn't want to work in fear that she would be recognised as a rape victim so finances were tight bringing up a family. We had two boys. The second boy I still today question whether he was mine. The third child was aborted. My abuser was not too happy telling me she was pregnant and it was a shock to me as sex was very far and few between by then. We never spoke about that again.

As her addiction to alcohol become out of control and our home become an open house to other drinkers the violence escalated as I became more mentally impaired. Holding the secret of rape was now affecting both of us.

I was assaulted and put into hospital for many months nearly losing my eye had a broken eye socket and nose and had to on the go reconstructive surgery, the effects I still live with today. In hospital I told a doctor of what was happening at home in the hope that he would get someone to help me but that never happened. My abuser was in fear that I would now tell someone.

My sons witnessed things they shouldn't have living with two dysfunctional parents as they too become alcoholics in later life.

During the relationship we were all denied medical attention in some way or another. My abuser in fear that I would speak out so I learnt how to become my own dentist adapting tools in the shed to pull out my own teeth, the broken roots still in place today, still in fear to go to a dentist for help.

While at rape counselling here in Australia I had been diagnosed as the second rape victim in the relationship something my abuser hated as now my mental health condition and the effects of living With a rape victim was now documented. My abuser was given tasks to work on and a letter was drafted to send to her mother in the UK but it was never sent. She had to explain to her mother the truth of why our relationship was so dysfunctional and that was never going to happen.

I was hoping that rape counselling would finally put an end to domestic violence at home but in fact it got worse as I had become a regular fighter now against blame transfer that really was the basis of our relationship. Trying to get out of this dysfunctional relationship was a nightmare. The relationship by now involved so many people that had been told so many lies to cover the truth of her childhood rape. My mental health affected my job to the point I could no longer work. The police become regulars at my home. I even went to the police station asking for help but this was denied. My doctor suggested I contact mental health which I did but they could not help me as my abuser had rights due to a recent change in the mental health act, so I was alone. They did say I could ask for a section 5 with police escort but only to contact them when I was being attacked as they had to witness the attack. Do you know how hard it is to make a phone call for help while you're being attacked?! The phone was the first thing to go by my abuser. In pure desperation I would phone mental health many times asking for help, each time being refused, so the question is (and something I often pondered), where do I go for help?

To cut a long story short I started to attend Al Anon meetings for those affected by someone's drinking and the sister group AA. I found 2 great sponsors that sometimes witnessed what was going on at home, as did my friends that walked in while I was being attacked. I would attend up to 5 meetings a week telling my story and learning the Twelve steps in recovery and how to detach from my abuser. I was beginning to recover.

My abuser could see that I was changing as I began to openly speak about what was happening at home behind those closed doors. During the attacks I stopped trying to defend myself and let her do what she needed to do in her pure frustration that I was no longer becoming the enabler. Broken windows remain broken. A broken car would remain broken. Unpaid debts become prolonged unpaid debts.

She did eventually get a job purely to sustain her addiction to alcohol.

On the last night that we were to remain together in dysfunction, my abuser organised with two of her friends to come around and beat me up but I called the police that turned up the same time her friends did. My abuser a drunk and on advice from the police was asked to leave with her friends and the police advised me to go to court the next morning to get a interim intervention order, which I did. In front of the judge I stood there while he read my statement asking me questions until he said that my interim intervention order was granted. I broke down in tears. Years of abuse had a major impact on my life and I was overwhelmed. The judge asked me why I was crying. I replied I was in fear you wouldn't believe me.

There was a court case about 6 months later during that time I had to find documented evidence of domestic violence which was hard but in the end I produced quite a lot including evidence from my doctor. videos, photos, financial abuse, stat decs from friends, even the knife she used.

In court she got a 10 year no contact DVO.

The police even took a statement from me, but that was to take 2 more years. Warrants for her arrest were issued but she had already returned to the UK. Those warrants so badly needed during the court case that caused me so much financial losses.

I've had dealings with family law and as a victim of prolonged domestic violence family law fails dramatically. I lost my home that I worked hard for. Even though I managed to get my ex abuser financial reward, I became homeless, have no job, and with little savings me and my three dogs now live in my car. We travel the country now. Sometimes we get moved on by the police and they know I'm homeless as it's on their computer.

I did see a neuropsychologist who was recommended by victims of crime and over time talking I was diagnosed with C PTSD. My health is failing - a heart condition a gift from my abuser.

I have spoken at a Stop Domestic Violence conference in Melbourne about my dealings with the police trying to get help and the failings of the mental health system that allowed my abuser to continue to practice her arts of abuse. I was in the newspapers and I was asked to write a chapter in a book with other survivors of domestic violence that has now been published and I have recently helped other survivors to write their stories for the next book.

I'm in recovery now and one day I hope to recover from what I witnessed living with a dysfunctional partner with past unaddressed trauma. I try to help other men and women that have come out of a domestic violent relationships in confusion by telling them my story - a link that only we understand.

So, if you see a man with his dogs by the beach in ponder, or by the side of the road having a rest, stop and say Hi. I'll have the kettle on ready waiting for you and I always have chocolate biscuits tucked away under my front seat.

Well its time for me to go now. There's a mountain range in the far distance that needs exploring, and I do like taking photos documenting my journey in recovery.