TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
Aug102017

Alex's personal story

In its own way my arrival at this site talks to a need, for an outlet, for a means of expressing what has been a long journey. However I'm not entirely sure, other than the sense of release, what can be the benefit of such recounting but clearly I'm in company.

This recounting is of my parents and their life and by proxy the impact on their children, of whom I am the eldest of four.

Dad was and is a tall man, average figure but kept himself trim and slim all his life, which is now into its ninth decade. Mum is a small woman, barely cracking five feet at her best and with the ageing process is shrinking under that mark. I mention this only to give a sense of the physical context.

Dad was a tradesman, worked with his hands on aircraft and did well within the context of an artisan of old. Never educated at a tertiary level due to a complexity of his own family situation but a steady good worker. Mum had the intellect in the family. Topped an 'A' level exam in the UK at I think a national context, but irrespective she had her share of brains. They were married and had a family at a time when the social construct had that the man earned the money and the woman stayed home and had children.

Mum did not handle this well. It was clear to me that Mum resented this social construct, the assignment of gender roles. In that she was and is clearly not alone and many in society, including myself, note and applaud the movement made over time in this social more and at a personal level I would and did encourage her to find an outlet for her abilities. To no avail.

However it is in the manner of her reaction to this construct that I articulate here. Mum railed against the social construct in a manner that entirely focused on Dad. He was and remains the focus of Mum's frustration, resentment and ultimately a sense of failure that she was not able to achieve what she felt that she could.

In no individual way did Dad perpetuate nor act out this social construct, Mum was free and did occasionally find herself low level employment in the workforce. In itself a mainstream story of unfulfilled ability but in the context of family abuse it played out as an archetypal example of violence against men; my dad.

Over the complete span of their marriage, greater than sixty years, Mum used Dad as her punching bag. Given the constraints of their respective physiologies the physical side of the abuse was unable to manifest in actual bodily harm, notwithstanding some attempts to do so.

What was constant, relentless and gradually worsening was the emotional, verbal and intellectual abuse visited upon Dad's acquising form. His response was almost universally tolerant, notwithstanding a very occasional attempt at resistance, and perhaps it was no more or less a manifestation of his intrinsically gentle nature. I recall clearly a father/teenage son lesson time where the message was 'never use your physical strength against women'. A good and valuable lesson in life, but I noted later when I brought my own intelligence to bear that there was never any recognition nor articulation of the verbal and emotional abuse that was occurring.

A wiser person in Mum would have seen her own behaviour for what it was and sought solutions elsewhere or at a minimum understood the unfairness of her actions and used her husband as a partner in finding a way forward.

Mum and Dad are now in their eighties. Their life's journey has run and their legacy is a close and growing family of three generations. I note even now Dad's respect and gentleness as Mum suffers through some age related health issues, a respect untainted by decades of abuse, and still manifestly not reciprocated.

I sigh and yet stand in awe as I see my Dad offer the whole of himself in supporting his life's partner, putting to one side his lifetime without bitterness nor rancor: I couldn't do it and I'm not sure if that makes me a better or wiser person than my Dad.

This recounting is not an attempt in any sense to ameliorate the horror and pain of physical abuse by any party on their partner. It is in my own way an attempt to represent a balance to the debate on how to frame the social and legislative protections for the abuse that hides behind the doors of family.

Monday
Jul312017

Anonymous personal story

I was the victim of domestic violence in a relationship with my ex for 2.5 years. She would get drunk and become physically and verbally abusive. She would punch, kick and scream at me, and then throw me out of the house. It got to the point where I wouldn't have much of my stuff in the house so it would be easier to leave, she would throw all my stuff out of the house or trash it. I was always worried that the neighbours would call the police because I knew that they would immediately assume I was the abuser.

After I finally left her, I had anxiety and anger issues for quite some time. PTSD I suppose. I was always expecting someone to attack and I was always on the defensive. As I slowly opened up about it to friends I was shocked at how many of them had been through similar experiences, one was even stabbed by his ex-wife!

I wish that domestic violence would stop being thought of as a Man against a Women issue. It is an issue of violence against another human being, and it happens all too often. The difference is that men just have to get on with life or spiral down a path of self-harm and despair. There is no real support, no morning teas to raise money, no empathy or compassion and the politicians are too busy trying tick PC boxes and get female voters on side to actually take a balanced view.

I made the mistake of tolerating it the first time and then it became a pattern that didn't stop until it almost broke me. Guys, at the first sign of trouble, be it physical or verbal, get the hell out of there! No one who loves you will EVER treat you in that way and there are no excuses for this kind of crap.

Sunday
Jul232017

Edward's personal story

Have only found this site tonight. Read many of the stories and I recognise that I too DV at the hands of my wife for over 25 years. She grew up in an abused home and has continued this learned behaviour. Am object of her ridicule, verbal abuse, occasional violence and financial threats. Do most of chores inside & out and still it's not enough. Am isolated from workmates and have no immediate family near. Mobile phone and Facebook monitored at times. Had to memorise emails & phone numbers of secret friends/ colleagues to prevent threats & further abuse. Don't really see any way out and live in regional area with no support.

Friday
Jul212017

Ray's personal story

Well I have been in an abusive relationship for 15 years. These are the things that have happened:

On many occasions things that I would tell in confidence would be used against me in an argument or aired publicly at an event. Constant referral to questioning my manhood regarding sticking up for her in embarrassing situations - wanting me to hit the other guy. So many physical attacks where she would lose control, throw things at me or kick and punch. At least 3 - 4 times a year. I am a martial artist of many years so I know how to block or take a punch - I never once hit her back but deep down these things have affected me. I feel she wants me to hit her so she can have an excuse to hate me. I will never hit a woman.

I wish I could leave but she threatens to take my boy away from me and my home which I fully owned before she moved in. She has only worked part time and has never contributed financially to anything. She does not do any housework and knows she has me over a barrel.

How on earth can our society ignore what's going on behind closed doors? It's double standards. If I did one fraction to her what she has done to me I would be locked in a jail cell. Judges, media and the general public think that a man should be able to take it. I also feel that some women believe they can treat men any way they see fit with no repercussions. Well I have and personally I feel it's unjust. I think violence towards men is a bigger issue than most people think. It's responsible for countless suicides and depressions because it's shamed. I know there are some terrific girls out there who are not so violent. I actually think the rate would be equal - its just the violence is expressed in a different way...

Sunday
Jul162017

Paul's personal story

My experience is not unlike so many others on here. For 8 years I was physically, emotionally and financially abused by my ex-partner. She was a police officer and this made it impossible to get anything done about her abuse. Even making a complaint to the local command resulted in being told by an inspector to call 000 if it happened again as reporting it would result in her dismissal. Another member of the local Family Violence Unit even stated that no copper would believe me as she was 5'2" and I was 6' so how could she possibly be able to assault me.

Eventually we separated after I found her having an affair with a work colleague. She then went to her work station and had a IVO taken out against me as she was “in fear” that I would do something. No evidence whatsoever. Her best friend at the station took out the order and I was not even consulted nor had the opportunity to voice my side of the story. Fortunately I had a investment property to reside at and was actually glad it was all over (I thought) and I could move on. I was then banned from my own house for 18 months until settlement was finally completed.

After settlement I went to the house only for her and her partner to turn up and abuse me. The male walked straight into the house and king hit me while I was sitting down and then had the crap kicked out of me by my ex while the male held me down in a choker hold. I passed out several times and was so relieved when the police, who I had called finally arrived. Unfortunately they were from their police station so believed them when they stated that I was the offender and breaching the IVO and I was handcuffed and arrested. Fortunately I had paper work to prove I was the owner and they were the trespassers so was released and they were arrested and charged.

An internal investigation has since discovered some of the other activities she was up to and lies she had told and was forced to resign 3 days before pleading guilty to charges in the magistrates court. The story has so much more involved. I have been arrested 7 times and held in custody for 21 hours for allegedly breaching the IVO but always exonerated. Her abuse of the family violence order continues as she knows she will never be prosecuted for making false allegations. Have even had police officers admit they know there has been no offence committed but have to follow “procedures”.

I supplied the police with photographic evidence of some of the assaults that occurred on me over the years but she was never prosecuted. Imagine the actions taken if a female was bashed over the head with a piece of floor board and knocked unconscious and left with injuries all down her face. After the assault on me the police Professional Standards Command applied for a IVO against them on my behalf and 15 months later no IVO has been granted by the magistrate, fortunately an interim order was put in place. I totally believe women need a great deal of protection from violent men and should have all the assistance they can get to be made feel safe. But there must be greater checks and balances in the process to avoid the exploitation of the domestic violence act by vengeful females.