TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Saturday
Nov212009

Peter

Firstly, I have to say how deeply insulted I am, when I see these Australia Says No to Violence Against Women, advertisements on TV.  And the ads where a boy locks himself in a room with a male coming down the hallway to yet again sexually assault him.

When I see these ads, I literally feel sick in the stomach and if my boys are in the room, they get angry and verbally run these ads down as utter lies and rubbish, because they have all been hurt by an abusive woman, who has so many women supporting her in her attempts to control our children. Even my daughter questions the sincerity of other women, but worst of all, she does not trust her own mother.

These ads all state that men are the perpetrators of ‘ALL’ domestic violence and child abuse and that women are innocent just like the children are innocent.

Well, I'm sorry to say that the women I have known are nothing like innocent and it is anathema to state they are innocent like children.

In my abusive marriage that ended early 2006, for the 15 years of that marriage, I suffered some very serious abuse from my wife who was almost as tall as me and weighed roughly the same too.  Her behaviour left me feeling that at anytime she was going to start belting me, because she was so verbally violent, when she would lean over me with her knuckles clenched while I sat at the kitchen table and she would be screaming abuses at me because I dared to raise the issue with her of the fact she forgot to pay a bill yet again and they are now threatening to send out the debt collectors.

This was from a woman who wanted control of the money, but then complain that her load was too much. When I offered to her that we do it together, she would then fly at me for not trusting her.

That scenario happened again some months later! 

The above abuse only escalated as the years went by, but in the second year of our marriage our first child was born, a boy. This boy would then go on to suffer horrendous physical, emotional and psychological abuse for the whole of the 13.5 years he lived with his mother. She would bash him and bash him till he was on the floor in a foetal position. She would be standing above him and swinging hits at him, like a flailing machine registering hits of anywhere between 10 and 20 times.

Whenever I was around to witness this, I always intervened by screaming at her to stop. She warned me that if I ever told anyone outside of our home, anything that I believed she was like, that that would be the instant end of our marriage and I would never see our son or any of our children ever again.

So, being totally defeated and too frightened to leave my son alone with this monster, I remained and capitulated. We ended up with 3 more kids. These children did not suffer as much as the first one, but they did (and still do) suffer serious neglect and manipulation.

Later in the marriage when I ended up off work chronically ill, she became physically violent. She would hit and shove me, when I tried to escape her tirades. She would barricade me in our bedroom by standing in the doorway with her arms crossed and refuse to move. She would be screaming at me demanding answers to questions, but she wouldn't shut up to let me answer. She would call me all sorts of names and I would end up feeling like I was having a heart attack and was going to die. On three occasions I exploded and hit the wall next to my side of the bed, which was on the opposite side of the room to her and because it was made of old plaster board, the wall got a hole in it. She would then leave me alone after berating me for damaging the wall. But on two occasions, I thought I was truly going to die and had to escape. So I mustered up all my strength, which was not much due to my illness, and I pushed past her. All I achieved was to push her back on her heels, which made it much easier for her to come back at me with all her body weight and shove me very hard then slap me. This shove further hurt my already badly damaged spine and I saw stars and nearly collapsed. I had to go back to my bed and I just collapsed on the bed and hardly moved for 3 whole days. During the 3 days she hardly spoke to me or came near me. I thought I was going to die!

When she decided to get rid of me, I was in hospital in the city and just before I was due to come home, she gleefully informed me that if I did, I would be arrested because she got a violence restraining order out on me. This order effectively kept me in exile from my home town and away from my kids for 8 months. She lied to the police and the courts to get this order and I was treated like a criminal from then on by everyone.

We have one daughter who is the second youngest. This poor child, along with the boys, loves her mother a lot, but finds she must have a week on and week off with me and her mother, so she can have some respite. Their mother is a very expensive and draining woman to live with. She is a 100% taker and gives little to nothing of herself back.

Now I have the eldest living with me 100%, the second eldest at 80% and the two youngest at 50%.  Every week the youngest has to go back to his mother, he begs me to let him stay. But he is too immature to make that decision and because he cannot fight the authorities, then he has to remain with his mother until he is strong enough to demand to stay with me.

You see, the authorities, being the family court, the police and the Dept of Child Protection, all manipulate children when they interview them. They twist what the children say and then lie in court. These departments are completely against fathers and will openly and deliberately and knowingly keep children with an abusive mother, just so they can stop them going to the father.

It is their policy to openly discriminate against fathers. I would challenge anyone to prove me wrong! If this is not the case then why is it that all men are aware of the hatred and abuse they will receive when being involved with these most horried govt depts, and why is it that even in 2009 they still send the vast majority of children back with the mother and in most cases the mother is the abuser of the children.

I am confident of that claim too, because in Western Australia, the dept of child protection's own stats for the last 4 years show that mothers are responsible for 3 times more of the child abuse to their own children than the natural fathers are.

When I was kicked out of my family and forcibly kept in exile by an unlawful restraining order, I made numerous phone calls and looked all through the internet to find any help or support for me as an abused husband/father and to also get help for my abused children.

What I found was that there was ZERO help out there for me. Even the men's helpline was totally useless. They actually told me they were there to help men who were abusers not victims.

And I made the mistake of phoning the dept of child protection. The woman I spoke to attacked me and told me to stop telling lies about the mother of my children and warned me that I could get into trouble for doing so. She claimed that according to statistics, women are all victims and that the men are the abusers of women and children.

So, because of this woman, my children had to endure many more months of abuse at the hands of their mother and also their mother's own abuser - her mother.

You see, the abuse in this family has come down through the women. My ex wife's grandmother abused her husband and her children but one child in particular. That child was my wife's mother. My wife's mother abused her husband and also my wife as well. Then my wife abused me and all our children but most of all the eldest.

The only abuse she hasn't perpetrated, to my knowledge that is, is sexual abuse.  She has done everything else!!

I can only hope and pray that this country will get rid of its discrimination against men and boys and start bringing the pendulum back to centre. We all know men and women should be treated equally, so why on earth are we discriminating against men.

Friday
Nov202009

Michael

I heard about your campaign on Radio 774 some two days ago. This is the first time I have encountered your organisation’s work. I wish I had known about this two years ago, when I simply had to flee my matrimonial home due to escalating physical and verbal assaults and threats against me (including a conspiracy by my partner to arrange for her sister in law to assault me - as was normal within the culture of her family group). That woman is now in gaol for the murder of her own partner, and I suspect, she was more than capable of committing the assault - most likely when she was under influence of drugs and alcohol. I consider myself extremely lucky that I got out, and moved 2000 kms away, back to where I grew up in Melbourne (where I reside still today).

Unfortunately I was so weak (experiencing frequent fainting and high blood pressure), that I had to leave my 4 year old son behind.

What astonished me during the subsequent ‘Family Law’ court proceedings, was the judge’s failure to believe that violence was the cause of the break-up. I did not run away to another woman. I fled, simply as a life preserving instinctive act. Despite a court ordered psychiatric assessment, which found her to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, having been convicted of two ‘break and enters’ in the past, and police records showing police attendance to our house several times to stop her outbursts, the judge could not accept any violence had taken place. It further astonished me, that the police had not kept any written records of my reports of violence!! Furthermore, the court accepted that my partner’s father was an alcoholic, but could not accept that his constant drinking did not have any effect on her psychologically, (whilst her mother’s admission that her side of the family were previously institutionalised, again fell on deaf ears by this magistrate, who appeared keen to simply wrap up the proceedings before closing time that day). Clearly the complexity that a violent female presents in a case, was too inconvenient for him!!

It has taken two long years to recover from what a psychologist suggests is post traumatic stress disorder. Functioning at high level at work is hard, and rebuilding a life has been challenging, but not overwhelming.

Thursday
Nov192009

Ben

I'd been abused by my wife since I married her but I was still hoping that she might change. Not only physical but verbal abuse as well. She was always telling me that I'm nothing, I'm lazy (even though I'm killing myself working), I'm not good in bed, and sometimes I've seen her holding a knife and trying to kill me. She was always saying bad things against my parents, my sisters, my relatives and even my friends. And then one day I couldn't stand it anymore. I kicked her and then she called the police straight away. The police kicked me out of my own place without knowing anything. They don't want to believe my story. It's unfair. Now I'm living by myself and at last, I feel that I'm important. I'm happy now but still thinking about my kids. I don't want to be like this but it's better than staying with her.

Monday
Nov162009

Alan

A substantial part of my inability to confine those horrid events to a contained memory with little day-to-day impact is the repeated denial by government, social services, the media and outspoken domestic violence protagonists of even the existence of serious female abuse of their male partners. Thus each time the topic of spousal, and particularly of sexual misbehaviour is mentioned and I happen to see or hear it, I feel personally marginalised and diminished. The knife is again turned in the wound - it cannot heal. I am routinely classified as the emotional, physical and sexual abuser within troubled relationships because I am male. It is a recurring insult. It is a potent reminder of the utterly powerless despair I felt so many years ago.

Thursday
Nov122009

Dan

We lost our first child at the age of 4 months. It was absolutely devastating. We both ended up being very angry people, furious actually enraged even.. at the Surgeon at the Health Systems misdiagnosis and all sorts of things.

My anger leaked out at work and on the sports field. Hers leaked out at home and in the relationship. Her fear of further loss calcified into extreme unrelenting jealousy which manifested itself with devastating false accusations and allegations - If a lingerie advertisement was on television I would be harassed and harangued for days on end. If I joked or laughed with another women be it a shop assistant or employees wife when they phoned I would be accused of having affairs and I would experience a tirade of abuse for weeks.

I would have to creep stealthily out of bed to go to work everyday so as to not wake her up. I could not go to bed early and if I did would be awoken and kept awake until the early hours going over and over why I might have been held up from work in a traffic jam and who I might have been perving at in the car alongside.

I was isolated entirely from my family and friends and yet was expected to be fully and overly involved with hers.

I was petrified to come home from work and would see her car in the drive and have to drive away and sit for an hour or so by myself to prepare for the likely barrage to come.

I lived in terror walking on eggshells around her for nigh on 20 years. I attempted suicide a number of times.

Thinking there was something inherently wrong with me I attended an anger management course and learnt lots of strategies to take responsibility for protecting our children from witnessing this violence and abuse.

On one occasion when taking time out appropriately she headlocked me from behind and held a chisel to my throat. The day I finally left, as I walked out the door she threw a knife at my back - luckily for me it hit sideways.

In therapy I have learned about replicating the abuse in my life I had experienced as a child and how I had partnered with someone who continued to shame me as had been done from early child hood by both my parents.

I have been blessed with opportunities to be able to address my own issues to become, as best I can be, a respectful, fully functioning human being. Unfortunately my former wife has not chosen to address her issues and has moved from relationship to relationship continuing her violence to men by throwing a boiling jug of water on one and taking a hammer to another.

The tears flood my eyes as I recall these events and yet somehow, some way, I have learnt to hold no bitterness towards her. She is our children's mum and I wish her all the best in her life.