TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Nov202009

Michael

I heard about your campaign on Radio 774 some two days ago. This is the first time I have encountered your organisation’s work. I wish I had known about this two years ago, when I simply had to flee my matrimonial home due to escalating physical and verbal assaults and threats against me (including a conspiracy by my partner to arrange for her sister in law to assault me - as was normal within the culture of her family group). That woman is now in gaol for the murder of her own partner, and I suspect, she was more than capable of committing the assault - most likely when she was under influence of drugs and alcohol. I consider myself extremely lucky that I got out, and moved 2000 kms away, back to where I grew up in Melbourne (where I reside still today).

Unfortunately I was so weak (experiencing frequent fainting and high blood pressure), that I had to leave my 4 year old son behind.

What astonished me during the subsequent ‘Family Law’ court proceedings, was the judge’s failure to believe that violence was the cause of the break-up. I did not run away to another woman. I fled, simply as a life preserving instinctive act. Despite a court ordered psychiatric assessment, which found her to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, having been convicted of two ‘break and enters’ in the past, and police records showing police attendance to our house several times to stop her outbursts, the judge could not accept any violence had taken place. It further astonished me, that the police had not kept any written records of my reports of violence!! Furthermore, the court accepted that my partner’s father was an alcoholic, but could not accept that his constant drinking did not have any effect on her psychologically, (whilst her mother’s admission that her side of the family were previously institutionalised, again fell on deaf ears by this magistrate, who appeared keen to simply wrap up the proceedings before closing time that day). Clearly the complexity that a violent female presents in a case, was too inconvenient for him!!

It has taken two long years to recover from what a psychologist suggests is post traumatic stress disorder. Functioning at high level at work is hard, and rebuilding a life has been challenging, but not overwhelming.

Thursday
Nov192009

Ben

I'd been abused by my wife since I married her but I was still hoping that she might change. Not only physical but verbal abuse as well. She was always telling me that I'm nothing, I'm lazy (even though I'm killing myself working), I'm not good in bed, and sometimes I've seen her holding a knife and trying to kill me. She was always saying bad things against my parents, my sisters, my relatives and even my friends. And then one day I couldn't stand it anymore. I kicked her and then she called the police straight away. The police kicked me out of my own place without knowing anything. They don't want to believe my story. It's unfair. Now I'm living by myself and at last, I feel that I'm important. I'm happy now but still thinking about my kids. I don't want to be like this but it's better than staying with her.

Monday
Nov162009

Alan

A substantial part of my inability to confine those horrid events to a contained memory with little day-to-day impact is the repeated denial by government, social services, the media and outspoken domestic violence protagonists of even the existence of serious female abuse of their male partners. Thus each time the topic of spousal, and particularly of sexual misbehaviour is mentioned and I happen to see or hear it, I feel personally marginalised and diminished. The knife is again turned in the wound - it cannot heal. I am routinely classified as the emotional, physical and sexual abuser within troubled relationships because I am male. It is a recurring insult. It is a potent reminder of the utterly powerless despair I felt so many years ago.

Thursday
Nov122009

Dan

We lost our first child at the age of 4 months. It was absolutely devastating. We both ended up being very angry people, furious actually enraged even.. at the Surgeon at the Health Systems misdiagnosis and all sorts of things.

My anger leaked out at work and on the sports field. Hers leaked out at home and in the relationship. Her fear of further loss calcified into extreme unrelenting jealousy which manifested itself with devastating false accusations and allegations - If a lingerie advertisement was on television I would be harassed and harangued for days on end. If I joked or laughed with another women be it a shop assistant or employees wife when they phoned I would be accused of having affairs and I would experience a tirade of abuse for weeks.

I would have to creep stealthily out of bed to go to work everyday so as to not wake her up. I could not go to bed early and if I did would be awoken and kept awake until the early hours going over and over why I might have been held up from work in a traffic jam and who I might have been perving at in the car alongside.

I was isolated entirely from my family and friends and yet was expected to be fully and overly involved with hers.

I was petrified to come home from work and would see her car in the drive and have to drive away and sit for an hour or so by myself to prepare for the likely barrage to come.

I lived in terror walking on eggshells around her for nigh on 20 years. I attempted suicide a number of times.

Thinking there was something inherently wrong with me I attended an anger management course and learnt lots of strategies to take responsibility for protecting our children from witnessing this violence and abuse.

On one occasion when taking time out appropriately she headlocked me from behind and held a chisel to my throat. The day I finally left, as I walked out the door she threw a knife at my back - luckily for me it hit sideways.

In therapy I have learned about replicating the abuse in my life I had experienced as a child and how I had partnered with someone who continued to shame me as had been done from early child hood by both my parents.

I have been blessed with opportunities to be able to address my own issues to become, as best I can be, a respectful, fully functioning human being. Unfortunately my former wife has not chosen to address her issues and has moved from relationship to relationship continuing her violence to men by throwing a boiling jug of water on one and taking a hammer to another.

The tears flood my eyes as I recall these events and yet somehow, some way, I have learnt to hold no bitterness towards her. She is our children's mum and I wish her all the best in her life.

Saturday
Nov072009

Son, talking about parents

Never, never in her life. Up until dad left, she held the reins in the house. It was unbearable; her pedantic scrutinies were like police interrogations. He practically made the bloody money, he would give her the lot and than beg for pocket money. And he made a lot of money, I couldn't believe that he had to go through all that. Even doing the shopping a day late would upset her, and would lead to a grand fight. Every one knew of her moods, and dad played always by ear and we managed to get by with little disruption on her part. But there were times when it didn't work. Then... poor dad. I had seen him walking naked in the back yard at night all upset and embarrassed; and I had seen him crawling under the bed to escape her vicious attacks, and I have seen him nursing his fresh wounds in the toilet, and he would say no word against her... When he left mom, I was very sad because I knew that I would miss him, but I felt also happy, because I knew that he was a decent man and that he deserved better.