TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Sep102017

Stephen's personal story

In its own way my arrival at this site talks to a need, for an outlet, for a means of expressing what has been a long journey. However I'm not entirely sure, other than the sense of release, what can be the benefit of such recounting but clearly I'm in company.

This recounting is of my parents and their life and by proxy the impact on their children, of whom I am the eldest of four.

Dad was and is a tall man, average figure but kept himself trim and slim all his life, which is now into its ninth decade. Mum is a small woman, barely cracking five feet at her best and with the ageing process is shrinking under that mark. I mention this only to give a sense of the physical context.

Dad was a tradesman, worked with his hands on aircraft and did well within the context of an artisan of old. Never educated at a tertiary level due to a complexity of his own family situation but a steady good worker. Mum had the intellect in the family. Topped an 'A' level exam in the UK at I think a national context, but irrespective she had her share of brains. They were married and had a family at a time when the social construct had that the man earned the money and the woman stayed home and had children.

Mum did not handle this well. It was clear to me that Mum resented this social construct, the assignment of gender roles. In that she was and is clearly not alone and many in society, including myself, note and applaud the movement made over time in this social more and at a personal level I would and did encourage her to find an outlet for her abilities. To no avail.

However it is in the manner of her reaction to this construct that I articulate here. Mum railed against the social construct in a manner that entirely focused on Dad. He was and remains the focus of Mum's frustration, resentment and ultimately a sense of failure that she was not able to achieve what she felt that she could. In no individual way did Dad perpetuate nor act out this social construct, Mum was free and did occasionally find herself low level employment in the workforce. In itself a mainstream story of unfulfilled ability but in the context of family abuse it played out as an archetypal example of violence against men; my dad.

Over the complete span of their marriage, greater than sixty years, Mum used Dad as her punching bag. Given the constraints of their respective physiologies the physical side of the abuse was unable to manifest in actual bodily harm, notwithstanding some attempts to do so. What was constant, relentless and gradually worsening was the emotional, verbal and intellectual abuse visited upon Dad's acquiescing form. His response was almost universally tolerant, notwithstanding a very occasional attempt at resistance, and perhaps it was no more or less a manifestation of his intrinsically gentle nature. I recall clearly a father/teenage son lesson time where the message was 'never use your physical strength against women'. A good and valuable lesson in life, but I noted later when I brought my own intelligence to bear that there was never any recognition nor articulation of the verbal and emotional abuse that was occurring. A wiser person in Mum would have seen her own behaviour for what it was and sought solutions elsewhere or at a minimum understood the unfairness of her actions and used her husband as a partner in finding a way forward.

Mum and Dad are now in their eighties. Their life's journey has run and their legacy is a close and growing family of three generations. I note even now Dad's respect and gentleness as Mum suffers through some age related health issues, a respect untinged by decades of abuse and still manifestly not reciprocated. I sigh and yet stand in awe as I see my Dad offer the whole of himself in supporting his life's partner, putting to one side his lifetime without bitterness nor rancour: I couldn't do it and I'm not sure if that makes me a better or wiser person than my Dad.

This recounting is not an attempt in any sense to ameliorate the horror and pain of physical abuse by any party on their partner. It is in my own way an attempt to represent a balance to the debate on how to frame the social and legislative protections for the abuse that hides behind the doors of family.

Friday
Sep082017

Roberto's personal story

I am a victim of domestic violence and I should share my story.

We are married for 5 years now and the violence started from the day one. At first I thought its common and we can work out the relationship to do better. Now, I regret the decision I made on the earlier stages where I should have left her before she got pregnant. Now I have my daughter where she is 3 years old and I am locked up to a situation where I cannot leave my wife since I don’t want a troubled childhood for my kid.

She abuses me with vulgar words, scratches all my body with her fingernails, drag me all around the house holding my hair.

The worst part is sometimes she feel sorry for what she has done and as a man I feel sorry for her and just say to myself lets carry on. It’s all because of my angel daughter I am still surviving each and every day with a nightmare.

I am collecting all the evidences I could land keeping it safe at the moment and I am expecting to survive the life for at least the next 3 years where my kid should be able to understand the problems I face and hoping she understand why I had to leave this relationship.

But these days I am getting nightmares and with not sleeping nights since I am getting scared of her arrogance.

I am head of a region working outside country and staying with my family. This gives me more difficulty since she always threatens me to report to police that I abuse her. She is dumb and don't know of the consequences of issues like this in foreign land where my whole career will be gone if I get booked for abuse on a foreign land.

I am dying everyday and all my worry is about my daughter and want her lead as a great women in the future. I don't know what to do and I want my daughter.

Thursday
Aug312017

Paul's personal story

I’m sick and tired of my life. I am keeping myself calm and quiet because of my two kids.

My wife had been abusing me mentally and physically for many years. All the physical and mental abuse has been very painful and every part of body has been scarred due to the physical abuse.

I am going to walk away soon as my daughters have grown old enough to take care of themselves. Until such time I have to go through this hell.

Sunday
Aug272017

Pablo's personal story

I am dead as a result of the abuse I have suffered. You will forgive me please as someone else gives me the voice I did not have while I was alive.

I am 39 years old. My teenage daughter decided she was not getting her own way enough. She got a couple of her friends to help her and she told lies to the police. She told the police I was abusing her sexually and that I had raped her. Her friends told similar lies to back her up.

I was arrested at gunpoint, and interviewed by the police. My two little children were taken away from me, and I was forced to leave my home and my wife. My wife was forced to sign papers against me - they told her if she did not sign them they would take our children from her immediately. My wife was devastated. I spent the next year or so staying with other members of my family, and trying hard to keep a good relationship with my little kids and my wife on supervised visits.

I did everything the court orders told me to, and did not do anything to make the situation worse, or to contact anyone. I did not even leave the house where I was staying for more than 8 months, and then I just went shopping in a different town. Me and my whole family were gagged, we were not allowed to say anything, even though my daughter and her friends could still spread lies about me.

In a whole year, and after interviewing me more than once, the police had still not charged me with any crime. But at the end of the court orders, when I thought I would be able to go home and rebuild my life with my children and my wife, my daughter and her friends made a new application for court orders against me, and told even bigger lies. I was served with another lot of accusations and orders that keep me away from my wife, my children and my home, once again.

The police and my solicitor had told me that in cases like this everyone believes that women will never tell lies about things like this, and that men are assumed to be guilty whether there is any evidence or not. I found out that this really is true. A woman or a girl just needs to say something like this, and even though there is no evidence to support the lies told about me, and the police did not charge me with any crime, these women/girls can go on subjecting me to this kind of abuse year after year, the courts will always grant them their court orders, and my life is ruined. Abuse does not have to be physical. The psychological, mental and emotional abuse against me has destroyed me and my family.

I have no way out. I have no way of proving my innocence, as the word of the girls is regarded as the truth even without supporting evidence. Their smear campaign has ruined my reputation. I will never be able to be involved in community groups, sports, any activities with children or girls because of the lies that have been told about me.

My family has been devastated, my little children want their daddy - it breaks my heart every time I have to send them home without me, and they cry for me. My wife is distraught. I have no choices, I have no future, and I do not have the enormous amount of money I need for an aggressive private defense - a lawyer has quoted me $50,000 to $100,000 with a probability that I will never win, because the girls do not have to provide solid evidence. It is possible I would to go to prison for something I did not do, and I would not be the first.

This last lot of orders and accusations is more than I can take. I have been struggling to keep above the hopelessness, fear, devastation, anger, and depression I feel. I cannot turn my head off. It would have been kinder to me and my family if these girls had broken into my home and shot me dead - at least there would have been an event and then a chance of recovery.

This relentless ongoing abuse is a long slow death. And it is slowly but surely damaging and killing my family as well. I cannot fight it any longer. I have no voice, my strength is gone, my life is ruined, my family is destroyed.

On 9th December 2014 I ended my own life.

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Sunday
Aug202017

Nathan's personal story

I hate the term victim but when you at your lowest, what else are you? When you have been compared to her ex in every imaginable way (yes including intimate) where do you go?

I have copy and paste from a doc that I wrote, names deleted. I left the real world about twelve years ago. I will start with some real truths and then some explanations.

  • I have no self-worth.
  • I have been taught to believe that I am a failure.
  • I really resent the person / people that did this to me.
  • I started a xxxxxxx business to get some self-worth back.
  • I went from job to job for years because I didn’t believe that I was worthy of a good job. Even when I got a good job I would leave it because I did not deserve it, so I believed. Only two people tried to contact me after I left the world as in normal life. One, I continue to communicate with and cannot thank this person enough. The second blamed me for everything in their life.
  • I cannot allow people to see me, not physically, but mentally.
  • I cry every day. Some days or even weeks are good, but, most sad.
  • I hate every day, it’s just sad. However, in a crazy way, I love every day that I climb on a xxxxxxxxxxx, make people happy and make money. I was taught for so long that I could not make enough money and that I was a failure. Not you xxx.
  • I am a total hermit. I see nobody and do not go out; however, I do have a nice little “friend” that I share nice times with.
  • I trust that my ex or her family are nowhere to be seen. She told me that “I have made sure that my family will never speak to you again.” You may find this hard to believe but I do love all of my children. I just think that they are better off without me.

Around 12 years ago I started a relationship with a person that I loved like no other and it was great, or so I thought. This person systematically put me down in every way imaginable, and some of the ways will shock you all.

I cared for her, boosted her confidence, loved her and was there always. However, after she came off anti-depressants, everything changed. I did most of the house cleaning, landscaped the garden, renovated the house, but, the big but, I could not earn enough money. I could not work out why.

Please see the signs early and act on them, whether you are the abuser or the abused.

Let me tell you some of them, and these are harsh.

When washing the dishes “water” was yelled out. That meant you are using too much water in the sink. I was the only one that did the dishes.

I re painted the house twice. Every time I would say: “I will start in this room” only to be told “No how stupid are you? Start in this room”. When I painted a room, she would find a drop of paint somewhere, abuse again.

I landscaped the entire garden, huge job. She was so surprised at how it turned out as her ex was a builder / landscaper and did not think that I could do anything like I did.

If I weeded the garden she would find a few weeds left behind and abuse me.

She constantly compared me to her ex, (now this is hard to believe) even in the most intimate ways. ie “No don’t do it like that XXXX taught me to do it this way” Appalling. Just reflect for a minute people, would any of you compare your partner / husband to your ex in an intimate situation?

I remember one night cooking (as I did) and she came in and said “You have got the wrong Fxxxing fan on (pushed) get out of the kitchen I will do it! You have no idea what you are doing. I stopped cooking after that.

I have a medical allergy to house dust so I asked her not to empty the vacuum cleaner bag inside the house. Her response “What would you know you are just too fucking stupid”

Are you getting the idea?

This IS domestic violence against a man, me. At least I used to think that I was a man now just an idiot.

She is seen as a role model. Paid well and highly regarded in her family, but, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. She has lied to her employers and to her family.

I just hate myself and I have no self-worth.