Benjamin's personal story

2.5 years of HELL!!!

I first met my abuser in April 2019, we met on a dating app not long after i split with my ex wife and mother of my children of 14 years.

We would catch up twice a week, she would either come over my place for the night or i would head to her place which she was in a share house with her 3 children, everything started off fine, which i now know that she has a severe alcohol addiction and has been pre diagnosed with BPD or Bipolar..

She would tell me about her past relationships where she was assaulted, sexually assaulted and also about her ex's where her 2 eldest children's father is currently in prison for child abuse pornography and the youngest child's father was in trouble for kidnapping the youngest child and performing sexual assault acts on my now ex partner/abuser, she also told me about her upbringing where her mother and father were alcoholics and the father would usually beat her mother or they would have sex in visual or hearing range of the children being herself and 5 siblings.

The first incident happened a couple months into the relationship we went on a lovely weekend to a cottage near the NSW border in the rainforest, the second night there we had quite alot of drinks and listened to music, fooled around. It got quite late and i was ready for bed, this seemed to upset her and she started slamming doors and then proceeded to jump off the balcony 3 times which i prevented all 3 times luckily.

We drove back home then next day not saying a word, i was adamant the relationship was then over but when we got back home she became very apologetic and told me she was upset due to her ex partner (the youngest child's father) had pinned her down on his couch when she tried to collect her child and masturbated over her face and clothes, this upset me greatly and i encouraged her to go to the police, but unfortunately she never did.

I found out a few months into our relationship that she was still sleeping with the youngest child's father/her ex partner on occasions and then when they would have a fight she would come to my place.
Whenever there was an opportunity for me to leave the relationship she would become very upset and apologetic and beg me to not leave her and unfortunately i kept giving her more chances.

She then got evicted from her share house on sunshine coast due to the owner finding a crack pipe in her kids room and to ongoing tensions between her and her ex about their child, so i assisted her and her 3 children into moving into a new place closer to Brisbane which was also closer to my place, everything seemed to be going well between us until on a couple of occasions we would have an argument so i would leave her place to go back to mine then i would receive messages saying she was going to kill herself or slit her wrists, so i would return to find her with multiple cuts on her arm.

About a month or 2 later i got offered a new job in mining and the opportunity to relocate to mount isa. I asked if her and her 3 children would be interested and they all said yes, everything was going well everyone was happy after the move and we were both working in the mining sector and kids going school and daycare.

To say the least the next year and a half were hell, drinking got out of hand, she went through 5 jobs and half the year not working at all, one incident she was so intoxicated she ran into a wall and split her head open and needed stitches, she would often be passed out in the yard in front of her kids completely blacked out, she would damage property, smashing windows, stabbing my tyres, hurling cups at me, verbal abuse, punching, scratching and kicking, screaming and saying really inappropriate things in front of her children on which many occasions i would have to care for them, feed them and get them to school because she was incapable.

it was about May 2020 a massive argument broke out while she was intoxicated and called the police and i hit breaking point where i smashed my own coffee cup in my own sink, police arrived, took me to the watch house for the night and put a DVO on me for breaking my own coffee cup.

I never went to the police as i was scared the wouldn't believe me and i honestly did not want her to get in trouble.

Everything just got worse from there, she would call the police and hang up on average 10 times a week while she was intoxicated, she would be passed out in the yard every night and sometimes i even found her down the creek or under a bridge passed out and half naked all while i was looking after her children, she was taken to watch house on many occasions and DVO put on her and also child services got involved due to her actions in front of her own children.

on one occasion i had friends around for drinks and sit by the fire, she got extremely intoxicated and started encouraging my friends to sleep with her and then the hit me in the head with a brick.
on another occasion while intoxicated she hit her eldest daughter in the face cause she the daughter was asking for her phone back.

Every time the police or ambulance came around to take her away she would tell them i hit her, but there was no physical evidence and even the children confirmed i never did, it was now that she was on multiple DVO breaches and the Judge put a vary on her order that states she cannot have any alcohol in her system while at the home, so this is when she started leaving the house to get drunk and i would find her passed out in creeks and elsewhere.

on another occasion she left to go drinking for nearly a whole day, i get a call late that night from her asking for help and that she was in the creek drinking with the locals, when a young man gave her a drink then she blacked out and woke up in a bush on the other side of town all while i was minding her kids.

After her drunken outbursts after she would calm down the next day she would often apologise and say come home from work to have sex with me, if i said no she would say well then i will go f**k someone else.

Too many instances that were similar just happened on a weekly basis, i somehow felt sorry for her.
It was now December 2020 after many child services and police visits, her constant breaches of DVO, her kids were taken by child services and put in the care of her sisters back on the sunshine coast, this sent her on a rampage and she went binge drinking for 2 days and ended up in hospital, she would be either in watch house or hospital a few times a month.

1 day after her losing her kids i was driving back down to sunshine coast to see my kids after xmas and i had a hotel booked on the gold coast, she was coming with me and i was hoping a break would be good for us, i picked her up from the hospital and we went home to grab some clothes upon which she had a hidden stash of alcohol and skulled it prior to our drive, on the drive she tried jumping out of the moving car on multiple occasions.

I picked my kids up and headed to the gold coast hotel upon which it must of upset her that i had my kids around and hers were gone as she started a fight and left the hotel to go on a drinking binge, a day later she called very drunk asking for help saying she was in a hotel somewhere with a taxi driver and he wanted to have sex with her and she needed my help, i refused as i had my kids, 2 days later she told me she was flying back to mount isa instead of driving back home with me and that she was going to f**k alot of men and destroy my property, i drove back after the week with my children and stopped in at my mums on way back, told her what has been happening and my mum came back to mount isa with me, while on my journey back she was admitted to hospital for excessive alcohol and threatening to kill herself.

Upon arriving home i found copious amount of empty alcohol around the house and my new TV smashed on the floor, my mum called the police and they took her away to the watch house and attempted to put a no contact DVO on her for me as she threatened to kill me and bash my skull in, the no contact vary was dropped in court and she went to prison for 1 month. which now left me financially unstable and i had to get a roommate in after fixing the house damage and cleaning up her disgusting mess.

we stayed in contact while she was in prison and she was resentful and was admitting she had problems and was going to get help and be a better person, i believed her and gave her another chance, she received a 1 year suspended sentence.

her first weekend out of prison she went to the pub with my roommate and passed out in the car park under a bus, when my roommate and i tried to help her get her home she kicked and punched us then the police put her in the hospital for the night on which she escaped and returned home, few days passed where she was stable and okay, then she disappeared again and went drinking, upon returning home we noticed how drunk she was and asked her to leave, while she was leaving she called police and told her i had a gun to her head (i don't even own a gun) she knew she was in trouble and possible risk of returning to prison so she got on a plane the next day and went to her mums in Brisbane for a week.

She then returned back to Mount Isa apologetic and her first weekend back she went drinking to a friends house and while there she called the police and said i bashed her, 4 police came to my door and i proved to them that she wasn't even here for a whole day, so they found her at her friends house and arrested her for previous incidents and the new one, she assaulted police on many occasions and went back to prison for 3 months this time.

again we stayed in contact and she made many promises, this time the judge applied a 2 year suspended sentence and stated she cannot return to Mount Isa, upon her release she came back to mount isa and stayed at her friends house, i then caught up with her as she and her friend were drinking at the pub, she ended up disappearing and i got a call later that night from her asking for help, i went looking for her and told her i would drive her to her friends house to sleep, she got very agitated, kicked and broke my windscreen and kicked me in the face, i left her at her friends house, the next day apologetic again and asked if we could get a hotel room before she moved back to Brisbane permanently, i did so and everything seemed okay for those 2 days.

she moved back to Brisbane living with her mum, she was seeing psychiatrist and doctors and following her parole and child services instructions to get her kids back, i felt everything might work out. I was sick of being away from my kids for so long and my abuser was begging me to move back and we start fresh so in August 2021 i got us a house back in Brisbane and relocated back, to say it got better was a lie, she continued to drink daily which was in breach of DV, abuse me daily verbally, mentally and physically, still receiving abuse from her family members and threats.

An incident happened 3 weeks ago where she was extremely intoxicated and let my dog lick her breasts, i filmed the incident for evidence and started filming all incidents for evidence in case something happened, a week passed and she was putting me down to her mother who up until now was encouraging me to help her or to get her locked up has now done a complete backflip and threatened that she will make sure i never see my kids again so i showed her mum some of the videos of her behaviour including the dog one, next day police turn up with a warrant and take my phone and i have now been served with breach of duty of care animal act and my abuser has not received anything for committing the crime.

while this never ending fight was happening i finally had my kids over for the weekend after a long mediation process with the main factor being my abuser would behave, not drink and be a caring safe partner around my children, i bring my kids home and she is drunk, abusive and violent in front of my children, even hitting me twice in view of my children, i quickly scurried my children out of the house for their protection and called the police, but his time my abuser had run away but the police put a temporary no contact and not within 100m of the house vary on her dvo.

A week passed where i did not hear from her, but missed her and only wanted her to get help and us to have a happy life. She started coming back around my house and was not drinking, very apologetic, happy and insisted she was going to rehab and AA meetings, this never happened.

On Saturday she came around and then went out drinking with her sister and sisters partner and i receive a call from ambulance at 10pm that night saying she has fallen down stairs due to being too intoxicated and busted her face open, i receive a call from her mother saying this happened because i manipulated her.

2 days later she comes around my house to collect some property and then sits down the road at the bus stop in the rain, she is there for 5 hours and i have gone to check on her a few times, she again is extremely intoxicated so i offer to uber her home to her mums, she refuses, i offer to drive her she refuses, so i go home and call the ambulance to come take her to hospital or to her mums, while waiting for the ambulance she walks in my front door while on phone to her mum and starts abusing me, i tell her the ambulance is on the way and that she needs to leave, next she goes downstairs and 3 police walk through my front door and ask me what's happened tonight and that my abusers mum has told them i bashed her skull in, i tell the police what happened and they tell me she has fresh cuts and bruises on her face, i explain and show the messages and images of her fall at the pub, they go down stairs and talk to her and she agrees that i did not touch her and then they take her away to the watch house.

I receive a call from her following day saying she has been released on bail and may be going back to prison and have i seen her phone.

i have not heard from her since for 3 days.

If i went to a friends house or out with friends i would receive texts accusing me of cheating or that she was going to cheat or destroy my belongings.

If i was upset about a fight and didn't have sex with her she would say i'm not affectionate, unloving or call me names about my physique or put me down or say she would find sex elsewhere then.

She would put me down to everyone she met and even her kids by saying quite disgusting hurtful things to them.

When she was intoxicated she would usually call her family and tell them bad things about me like i would not give her money or cigarettes or i hit her or i made her life hell, so in the end they all hated me and i would cop abuse and threats from all of them when i was the one helping her and supporting her and trying to be there for her, there was an incident where she was drunk and talking to her child's day care teacher and i asked her to please leave my room as by this stage she was sleeping in the spare room, she refused so i lifted my mattress, upon which she ran around the house destroying my property, Police turned up and served me to go to court as the day care teacher stated i bashed my abuser, after 4 months of court adjournments and 5k in solicitor fees i fought and beat the false charge.

This abusive relationship has affected all aspects of my life, work, mental well being, my health and the way i look at things now, i'm scared of police presence and what will happen next, i'm scared of what damage her or her family can, will or have already caused.

She drained me mentally and financially and i lost alot of friends due to being in that relationship, it has severely affected me mentally and financially and am now struggling to move on and see a stable future.
I know i should of left a long time ago, but her constant sorry's, broken promises and how much of a lovely person she was when she was sober or not depressed due to her condition.

Brief overview of my abuse i have endured:
* Fear of being hurt or killed in my own home, i would often rest things against my bedroom door so it would wake me if she came in.
* fear of belongings or property damage and had alot of property damaged causing me thousands of dollars.
* fear of threats to police and false allegations, have had 1 very expensive court proceeding over ruled and am now fighting another one.
* Fear of losing my own children due to her threats.
* i have been assaulted abused, horrible names called, threats, belittled, made to feel useless and then made to feel guilty.

I am free now, but the damage recovery will be a long process and i fear the damage is not yet over.

I have reached out for help many times from organisations, or someone to talk to or even financial assistance and no one was able to help or scoffed at me because i am male and they assume i am the perpetrator, i hope no one has to endure what i have and i hope that one day there is more help for men.