What is family violence?

If you are a male victim of family violence and/or abuse, you are not alone. No matter your background, location, income, age, profession, culture, race, ability, religion or sexuality, you deserve help.

One in eight men will experience violence from an intimate partner or family member in their lifetime.

WHAT IS FAMILY VIOLENCE and abuse?

Family violence is any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.

It can happen to any man or boy.

Family violence is not just about physical violence, intimidation and threats. It also includes sexual, emotional, psychological, verbal and economic/financial abuse; property damage and social isolation. Many men experience multiple forms of abuse. Men, more so than women, can also experience legal and administrative abuse - the use of institutions to inflict further abuse on a victim, for example, taking out false restraining orders or not allowing the victim access to his children.

Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten.

Psychological/emotional abuse involves the regular and deliberate use of a range of words and non-physical actions used with the purpose to manipulate, hurt, weaken or frighten a person mentally and emotionally. It can include “gaslighting”: using language and behaviour which makes a person doubt their perceptions and become misled, disoriented or distressed.

Economic/financial abuse involves controlling finances, stealing money, coercing someone into debt, restricting/exploiting/sabotaging their partner’s access to money and other resources such as food, clothing, transportation and a place to live.

• Being kicked, punched, pinched, slapped, dragged, scratched, choked, bitten, pushed, stabbed 
• Use of weapons including knives and irons
• Being scalded, burnt or poisoned
• Objects being thrown, including food, drinks and cutlery
• Violence against family members or pets
• Causing you physical harm by denying access to medical aids, equipment or services
• Harming you whilst performing ‘care’ duties (especially relevant for disabled victims) including force-feeding, withdrawal of medicine or over-medication.

• Limiting outside involvement such as family, friends and work colleagues
• Not allowing any activity outside the home that does not include her or him
• Constant checking up on your whereabouts.

• Constant yelling and shouting
• Verbal humiliation either in private or in company
• Constantly being laughed at or being made fun of
• Blaming you for their own failures
• Insults and threats
• Mocking someone about their disability, gender, sexual orientation, physical appearance, etc
• Mocking your “sexual performance” including in front of friends, work colleagues or on social media.

• The threat of violence
• The threat of use of weapons including knives and irons
• The threat of use of violence against family members or pets
• Threatening to use extended family members or others to attack you
• Destroying your personal and treasured items
• Threatening to tell the police that you are the person committing the domestic abuse, or that you are committing sexual abuse including against your children
• Threatening to remove your children, that you will never see them again, or that they will be taken interstate or overseas without your permission.

• Intimidation
• Withholding affection and giving you the silent treatment
• Turning your children, family and friends against you
• Being stopped from seeing friends or relatives
• Constantly being insulted, including in front of others
• Repeatedly being belittled
• Stopping you sleeping
• Excessive contact, for example stalking and monitoring
• Using social media sites to intimidate you (such as Facebook and Twitter)
• Wilfully stopping fathers from seeing their children by breaching court orders
• Manipulating your anxieties or beliefs
• Telling you that you are to blame for the abuse and injuries 
• Persuading you to doubt your own sanity or mind (including “gaslighting”)
• Telling you you’re not the father of your children
• Telling you you’re not a “real” father
• Denying the abuse committed against you ever happened or trying to minimise it
• Telling you your bruises, cuts and injuries are not serious
• Accusing you falsely of having affairs and/or constantly looking at other women
• Mocking your “sexual performance” including in front of friends, work colleagues and on social media.

Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by:

• Telling you what to do and expecting obedience
• Telling you you’ll never see your children again if you leave
• Using force to maintain power and control
• Not accepting responsibility for the abuse
• Continually and purposefully breaching family court orders
• Forcing you to marry them against your will.

• Totally controlling the family income
• Not allowing you to spend any money unless “permitted”
• Making you account for every dollar you spend
• Running up huge bills such as credit cards in your name
• Purposely defaulting on payments
• Setting up false companies, accounts or credit cards
• Deliberately forcing you to go back to the family courts as a means of costing you additional legal fees
• Refusing to contribute to household income
• Interfering with or preventing you from regularising your immigration status so you are economically dependent on the perpetrator
• Preventing you from claiming welfare benefits, forcing someone to commit benefit fraud or misappropriating such benefits
• Interfering with your education, training or employment
• Not allowing you access to a mobile phone/car/utilities 
• Damaging your property.

• Sexual harassment/pressure, or sexual acts, including with other people
• Using sexually degrading language
• Rape
• Forcing you to perform a sexual act against your will, sometimes after physical assaults
• Unwanted sexual contact and demands
• Forcing you into watching or making pornography
• Deliberately hurting you during sex
• Pressuring or tricking you into having unsafe sex
• Your partner telling you they are taking contraception (e.g. the pill) when they are not.

• Telling the police (or threatening) that you are the one committing the family violence when it is the other way around
• Telling friends, families, your employer and others such as sports clubs (or threatening) that you are the one committing the domestic abuse
• False allegations of another crime such as abusing children.

Stalkers will often use multiple and differing methods to harass their victims. Stalking can consist of any type of behaviour such as:

• Following you to and from work

• Checking your email, messages and phone calls

• Regularly sending gifts

• Making unwanted or malicious communication

• Damaging property or clothes

• Physical or sexual assault.

• Stalking and/or trolling you online

• Placing false and malicious information about you on social media

• Posting or sharing revenge porn

• Hacking into, monitoring or controlling your email, messages, social media profiles and phone calls

• Image-based abuse, i.e. the non-consensual distribution of private sexual photographs and films with the intent to cause you distress

• Blocking you from using online accounts, responding in your place or creating false online accounts using your identity

• Use of spyware or GPS locators on items such as phones, computers, wearable technology, cars, motorbikes and pets

• Hacking internet enabled devices such as PlayStations or iPads to gain access to accounts or trace information such as your location

• Using personal devices such as smart watches or smart home devices (such as Amazon Alexa, Google Home Hubs, etc) to monitor, control or frighten you

• Using hidden cameras to record you.

• Isolating you from your friends and family

• Depriving you of your basic needs

• Monitoring your time

• Monitoring your online communication tools or using spyware

• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what to wear and when you can sleep

• Depriving you of access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services

• Repeatedly putting you down such as telling you that you are worthless

• Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise you

• Forcing you to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and prevent disclosure to authorities

• Financial abuse including control of finances, such as only allowing you a punitive allowance

• Threats to hurt or kill you or a child

• Threats to reveal or publish private information (e.g. threatening to ‘out’ someone)

• Assault

• Criminal damage (such as destruction of household goods)

• Rape

• Preventing you from working or having access to transport

• Controlling or monitoring your daily activities, including making you account for your time, dictating what you can wear, when you can eat

• Isolating you from family and friends, intercepting messages or phone calls or refusing to interpret

• Intentionally undermining your role as a partner, spouse or parent

• Preventing you from taking medication or over-medicating you, or preventing you from accessing health or social care (especially relevant for victims with disabilities or long-term health conditions)

• Using drugs and/or alcohol to control you through dependency

• Using children to control you – threatening to take the children away or manipulating professionals to increase the risk of children being removed into care

• Parental alienation, including preventing children from spending time with your or their grandparents, from visiting friends’ houses and from participating in extracurricular activities

• Threats to expose sensitive information (e.g. sexual activity) or make false allegations to family members, religious or local community including via photos or the internet

• Preventing you from learning a language or making friends outside of your ethnic or cultural background

• Threatening precarious immigration status against you, withholding documents or providing false information about your visa or visa application

• Threats of institutionalisation.

Many thanks to the ManKind Initiative, our brother organisation in the UK, for allowing us to adopt this material from their website.