John's personal story
I was in a relationship with my ex for 2 years. My ex was verbally and physically abusive towards me, to which my 14 month old daughter witnessed. She would constantly yell and scream at me for reasons I cannot understand. She would become abusive for no reason at all. I always thought that it was me. I believed that I wasn’t a good partner and a useless father to my daughter. I would feel like the size of a peanut. When she was violent she would shove me around the house, and yell abuse telling me I’m no good. My daughter started to cry, and I couldn’t get to her to protect her as I was getting punched and slapped by my ex. I spoke to some friends about what was going on, and they just laughed telling me to grow up, and be a man.
After the abuse my ex demanded sex, to which I said no. Whilst I was resting on the bed and so sad and licking my wounds she would rip my clothes off, and stroke my penis in an attempt to get an erection. I kept saying no, but she didn’t hear my constant word 'no'. She stated she wanted sex, and said 'if you love me and our daughter you will make love to me'. I kept saying no, and when I couldn’t perform, she’d hop off and slap my penis hard with her hand and say I was useless in bed, and 'I don’t know why you're here'. I was so sad. I just get the crap kicked out of me and she still wanted service which I was in no in frame of mind to do.
As a desperate cry for help, I spoke to police, who passed it off suggesting that I just leave. But I couldn’t. My daughter needed me to protect her, and I was in a financial hold by my ex. She used money to keep me at home. I couldn’t go out and visit friends for just half an hour. Instead I had to ask them to come over to visit me and to make a bbq event instead which I explained to police who ignored my plea. In the first episode I rang the police 10 times, and I even rang PAL (police assistance line) and explained the situation crying for help. The person at PAL took notice and sent a job to the duty officer who had to act. The police arrived and took my ex to hospital for assessment (she was pregnant at the time). I arrived soon after and my ex yelled at me telling me to get out of her house, and to pay her back money. I spoke to the Drs and pleaded to get it sorted. The only thing they could do was to commit her for 3 days for assessment. At my plea the Drs still released her to go back home. When she returned I copped it again and was blamed for calling the police. I tried to leave several times, but I couldn’t. I had nowhere to go and no support groups that could arrange emergency accommodation. It was stated that I wasn’t a woman and I didn’t have a child in my care. Time passed and my daughter was born, the abuse never stopped, and it continued with vengeance. It got to a point where I was emotionally and physically drained, and feeling so ashamed for myself.
Six weeks ago I decided to leave. So I ran leaving my 14mth old daughter behind. The police became involved again and took my ex to hospital. DOCS got involved and took my daughter into protective care. All through this I constantly spoke to Drs, but all I got was we don’t have enough resources to deal with this. What sort of excuse is that I replied. I’m getting the crap kicked out of me and that’s what you’ve come up with? Surely you can do better than that? But that’s all I got with the reminder that I can just leave my ex.
Since then I have been in the fight of my life. I have a lawyer and we are fighting for my daughter to have her in my sole care and to get her away from her abusive mother, and to somehow stop my ex from getting sole custody of my daughter. I have no money because I’m not working because I don’t have the ability to concentrate because of the emotional and physical abuse I’ve endured for 2 yrs, and somehow I need to return back home for court.
But during all this where was all the support? There is nothing out there for men, and nobody believes you as a man that you get beaten at home. We see it in the media that no means no to women and any form of violence is not acceptable. Do men deserve less because they are men?? I know that it will be tough for me at court to get my daughter back, because I’m a guy. For years the court has always favored the women when it comes to custody for their kids. The courts will not even think about it all because I’m a man. Today it’s hard for me. I feel that I’m to blame, and at times I feel that to save my daughter and I should return home and cop the abuse in silence, and never speak of this again to anyone! I never spoke to police about the constant sexual assault, because I knew they would only laugh harder and make jokes at my expense!