Anonymous' personal story

It was about 9 years ago I hit the bottom. I would arrive home to yelling and abuse, “you dumb f***ing c*nt, you’re pathetic, you stupid little person” and the like.

And the abuse was turning violent. More and more their fists would be used, sometimes I was kicked, scratched.

I dreaded coming home... I’d stay at work as long as possible to avoid the reality of having to deal with the abuse.

What was I doing wrong? What could I do better so I wouldn’t send them off the edge?

“Walking on eggshells” was an understatement.

They’d threatened to beat me up when I was sleeping. How could I protect myself against that? Surely they wouldn’t do it... it’s against the law?

But during the rages they didn’t seem to care – whether I was hurt, whether the 4 young kids were hurt, whether even they were hurt.

During one occasion the 5 year old was screaming in fear so I picked her up and that sent them into a blind rage, kicking me in the back and legs as I wrapped myself around my little girl’s body to protect her, even as I fell to the ground. I don’t know how long it lasted – maybe minutes, maybe seconds, just cowering as they screamed at me “stop hiding behind the baby, you’re pathetic, you’re weak”.

The bruises lasted a few days. I was able to hide them when I went to work.

But something else was wrong...I couldn’t move, no energy...it was like I was stuck in syrup. My mind was numb.

Luckily my GP recognised depressions. I just nodded. I couldn’t deny it, didn’t know what to do.

I was given anti-depressants.

I told the GP about the anxiety and fear.

They gave me some heavy addictive opiates. “I can’t take these for more than a week” I said. “Just take them – you need it” they replied.

So I would pop one before arriving home. And as I walked in the door and the yelling started I’d just stare, then turn and walk out... no feelings, no nothing.

They eventually agree to try a marriage counsellor, but the first and only session they exploded and yelled how they’d never loved me and I was pathetic and they just wanted a divorce.

So I went to a different psych.

Who told me I was experiencing abuse... quite extreme abuse at that.

My partner got wind of my psych and phoned her and yelled at her. My psych was quite shaken and said they have some serious anger issues.

2 years of therapy, hanging in and accepting the abuse, though I tried saying “stop”, “I don’t like this”... but that would fuel the rage.

My partner hadn’t worked in years. Then they stopped looking after the house and kids. I did a 9 hour day with 3 hours of travel, then made supper, bathed the 4 kids, put them to bed, made brekkie and lunchboxes the following day... week after week, while my partner surfed the net and bought stuff.

And then they demanded a new house. With solar panels. And roller-shutters. And to give (yes give) the old house to my partner’s parents.

I refused to give the house, though agreed to drop the price by $60,000.

Years later I would discover from subpoenaed documents from their psych that they had planned to divorce me “once everything was in place”. And that they had never loved me but I wanted to go overseas and had a passport so was a way out.

Then I discovered money was disappearing into accounts in my partner’s name that I had no access to.

“It’s for the kids savings” they said.

My friends didn’t want to come around because my partner made them feel too uncomfortable.

Little did I realise they already knew about the abuse – they could hear my partner yelling abuse down the phone each day when I phoned to ask how it was going with them and the kids!

The children were slowly becoming more disrespectful and abusive to me as well. One evening my eldest girl backchatted me during supper at the table. I quietly said “You don’t be rude to you mother or myself, that will be a timeout after supper” and my partner exploded in rage yelling at me to stop abusing and bullying the children, standing over me with reddened face and fists cocked. I tried to stand up and back away as they yelled something at my son behind me. I spun to find him in tears holding a knife poised to stab me in the back! I managed to stop him and remove the knife, and saw a first coming out of the corner of my eye. I managed to mostly block it, but I was scared. Scared for my life. I froze as the yelling continued with fists in my face. I finally staggered out of the room to the car, nauseous and shocked, to take a drive to the beach and call my brother and try to calm down. The kids were in hysterics.

And then the final straw... I’d been trying to get our family over to NSW from WA to see my brother and his family for Christmas.

But we were blocked by my partner at every suggestion.

My brother had seen the 2 eldest kids once a few years back, had never seen the youngest 2. My father had met only the eldest once many years back.

They were all going to be together and dad offered to pay for the kids' tickets.

Still they refused!

So with my new-found assertiveness I bought 6 tickets and broke the news that we WERE going.

And my worst fears were realised – they blew up in a rage, yelling, fists in my face again. The kids were crying for us to stop.

I picked up the youngest and called to my boy, “lets go for a drive,” but my partner grabbed my shirt and sat on the floor, refusing to let me go. I could barely stand so had to put my daughter down. My partner let me go and grabbed my keys and then parked my car in front of their car so I couldn’t get out. I was trapped. But they seemed to have decided to sit there in the locked car so I retired to the bedroom and locked the door and tried to cheer the youngest 2 up with some games.

And I decided that night to leave my partner. 19 years, I thought I could handle the abuse and violence for the kids' sake... I was afraid if we divorced my partner would make it difficult for me to see the kids and I’m no fighter.

But the violence was getting worse and not only did I fear for my life but my kids were seeing worse and worse behaviour.

As my psych had said, my choices were bad or worse.

So I reached out for help. Researched organisations that would help me.

Remember at this point I couldn’t even admit I was being abused, and my partner had convinced me I was the problem, despite psychs and friends and family telling me otherwise.

My partner was skilled and knew I had self-esteem issues, so they were effectively telling me what I wanted deep down to hear – I was a failure, I was useless.

Eventually I found MensLine. A service specially to help men in trouble, I thought.

The woman sounded nice and told me she was proud of me that I reached out.

“So do you hit her?” she asked. “Er, no, she hits me” I replied.

“And then you hit her back in defence, right?” she asked. “Nooo, I protect myself and sometimes try to stop her fists hitting me.” I replied.

“So you yell at her” she asked. “Well, I use a loud strong voice and tell her I don’t like it and to stop” I replied.

After some 5 minutes of confusing cross questioning the lady curtly tells me “Well, we can’t help you”.

“So where should I get help then?” I asked. “Why don’t you try LifeLine” she replied and hung up.

Ironically the lady at LifeLine was really good and could even finish my sentences. “Why don’t you try MensLine?” she asked.

I related my experience and she seemed genuinely shocked – she too had expected MensLine to help male victims.

It appears the false advertising worked really well – even service providers didn’t realise that they only “help” perpetrators.

But I managed to leave my partner.

And she drained $25,000 from the accounts before I realised and managed to stop it.

And she told me I’d never see the kids again.

I texted her mother and asked if she could facilitate Skype or FaceTime or something.

“Pay us money and we’ll think about it” was the response SMS.

So I filed at court.

So she responded by filing a restraining order, saying (in the transcript) that I’d never hit her but she feared I might!

So I fought that.

So she dropped it, got help from a Women’s Service who (according to subpoenaed documents) suggested she file grooming allegations (i.e. sexual).

So DCP investigated and dropped it.

So she filed sexual abuse allegations.

So DCP investigated and dropped it.

So she got the eldest 2 to file sexual assault charges.

So the police did a cursory investigation and dropped it, telling me they knew it was false but that they were obligated to follow up all allegations.

By this stage 3 years after leaving her and spending $26,000 on supervised visits for 2 hours a fortnight, the 2 eldest kids had become more and more abusive at visits that I had to request they not attend for the younger two’s safety!

And the courts dragged it out for 3 years before appointing a children’s lawyer.

And he dragged his heels for a year before I tried to get him dismissed, except the judge felt there was no money and it would take too much time to appoint a new ICL.

But we got a forensic psych at last, although I had to pay the $5,250 difference in fees.

And he found she tried to make herself look good in the standard psych test.

And didn’t deny hitting me, “rather she said it was the exception rather than the norm”.

And that she had extreme rage and anger issues, and had borderline personality disturbances (fixation and rigidity).

And that violence had continued in the house after I left, with the kids using knives and poles and whatever weapons they had to hand.

And carers had to intervene a number of times.

And the police were called once.

And I sunk further into depression. I couldn’t sleep. My body started to show aches and issues. My hair turned grey in a couple of months. I was frustrated and anxious.

Eventually I used up all my money and the credit card on lawyers.

I lost my flat, was homeless and living in my car and looking after houses where I could.

Then I lost my job – apparently my focus was too much on my kids.

And then we got to trial.

The mother was found to have lied about all the allegations. But perjury is no longer prosecuted so there was no consequence.

The judge yelled at her behaviour in court a few times.

And the judge and ICL had to lead her with questions.

The forensic psych recommended if we tried co-parenting I would likely never see the kids again, that the 2 youngest kids be homed with me and that therapy would not work for the mother. And that supervision should never have been required but it was the only reason I still had a relationship at all with the 2 youngest.

So the judge ordered sole responsibility to her, reportable therapy and supervised visits continue “not to appease the mother but her mental health is important”!

I refused to pay so the mother organised carers for Tuesdays.

“But I have work” I told the judge. “You can just take off time” she replied!

And the judge chose to write off the $60,000 in bills I had paid since separation, no consideration given for the $100,000 legal fees from her false allegations, give 90% of my super to her, over half my severance pay as “add back” (a term used apparently when you come into money that should really be split – except it was taxable wages which she was already getting in child support).

I was left with a 17 year old car, a suitcase of clothes, $20k super and $20k in my bank. And I was still homeless.

And the mother didn’t attend therapy.

And she stopped facilitating phone calls.

So I filed for further orders.

But FCWA had shut down the case without waiting for a report!

So if I wanted to see my kids I would have to start the court process again.

7 years of my kids and our “meaningful relationship” lost.

No validation of the violence and abuse I suffered.

An appeal would be expensive and likely end up in front of the same judge that made these orders.

3 of the 4 children are now alienated.

The 4th tried to see me and forgot to mute the call and I was treated to abuse being yelled at him with f’s and c’s. He was 13!

And the kids saw her pick up a new boyfriend 6 months after I left her who drank heavily. And was married. And had a 1 and 3 year old. And subpoenaed documents showed the mother intended to have a 5th child with him within the year – after stating that she could not cope with 4 even before I left.

2 of the 4 children have a diagnosis of high functioning autism. The 3rd got a diagnosis of ADHD, which the mother told me (before I left) that she wanted changed because there was no funding in it. That gave her $160,000pa funding from NDIS. After tax. In addition to the $30,000pa family support she was getting. And the $36,000pa child support I was paying.

$226,000, and that after tax! $190,000 from taxpayer money.

After I left she got the 4th child diagnosed with “autism” too.

The forensic psych stated on record that the child “appeared to have been pushed over the line for funding”.

Apparently the chances of 4 kids in 1 family all having autism diagnoses is similar to someone winning the lotto.

So yes, our family has experienced domestic violence at home.

And continues to experience it.

And the domestic violence that we can trace back to the great-grandfather, then the grandmother and 2/3 of her brothers, passed to the mother (1/2), will likely be passed to some if not all of our children.

And our children are growing up without a father, who has quite literally almost given his life to be in theirs.

If you think this sounds unbelievable, there are many days when I wake and hope this was all a bad dream... but then I realise it’s not, it’s the new reality.

So I straighten by back, lift my chin and try to pretend it’ll all be OK.

For my kids.